Isaiah 49:16

Josh has always said his favorite thing about me is my hands. He says he loves them because they're what I use to take care of everything. I've realized one thing I do often with my hands is hold on. This is good to some extent: crossing the street with my kids, watching a movie with Josh, but I know I've also got to let go at times. For some reason this gets harder as Eva Grace and Isaac get older.

If I'm honest with myself, I'll admit that I am in a constant state of paranoia about their well being. I know it's good...normal for moms to worry, but I tend to go overboard. Every sniffle or cough, I fear it's some unknown disease. I still have to triple check to be sure their sweet bellies are rising and falling before I go to sleep. If either of them are in a car with anyone else, I have to fight the urge to call the driver every few minutes. It's rather unhealthy.

I have to learn to let go in other areas as well. Eva Grace is growing up quickly and she reminds us of this daily. Even today I caused an almost temper tantrum when I didn't want her to hold her cupcake as she ate it. I feared the certain mess that would follow. She was insistent that I let her hold it. After a few seconds of rising screams, I relented, and sure enough, she did fine. Who would've thought a 4 year old can eat a cupcake without any assistance! ;)


The other day I became brave and I let her paint her fingernails AND toenails with no assistance from me! She did a great job!

(She always requests 'rainbow' nails!)

I also let go the other day when she kept begging us to let her 'play' with a hand imprint maker that I found in her closet. It was a baby gift given 4 years ago now and I stumbled across it getting ready for Christmas decoration. I don't know why I was hesitant to create this keepsake. Either way, I'm glad she insisted! 

In the front of my mind I know worrying is useless. Holding on tightly with my hands, trying to control everything does nothing but ruin the moment I've been blessed with. My mom always tells me, "If you've got one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you're peeing all over today!" Maybe a little crude...but true. I'm sure part of this holding on and turning into a control freak has to do with the 13 months I spent trying to fight my Daddy's cancer for him. I held on and held on...and I guess in all honestly, I still haven't let go. There are mornings I wake up relieved because I had been dreaming about being back in those 13 months...knowing that Daddy was sick. In my dream I was there, fighting as earnestly as I could, and when I wake up and realize the battle is over...it's almost a sigh of relief. I can let go...it's done. But when it comes to my loved ones left on this earth, it seems my grip has gotten even tighter. 

Daddy never really tried to control much. He was always easy going and carefree. Whatever happened...happened, and he was ok with it, even up until the end. I honestly don't know if the outcome would've been different had he been holding on, as I had been, with a firm grip to the future we had planned. Instead of holding on to his picture perfect future, he held on to the hand of the One who knew the future. In those last days, Daddy was closer to the spirit of God than I had ever seen him. He seemed to sit in God's hands. He rested and enjoyed the moments as I strive to do today. There was no fear. He was at perfect peace. And I guess, when I realize that I have been given the opportunity and blessing to simply rest in the great hands of the I AM as my Daddy did (does), then why, why, why do I think it's my job to hold on so tightly to everything, to control, to fear? 

He did not scar His hands so I can wring mine. 

 It's hard to believe that as much as I treasure this keepsake and all it represents, that He treasures and delights in me even more. 

"Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands." Isaiah 49:16