Be Still

The past 7 months have been such a tug a war between Liz and life. I try to pull things into the direction I "just know" they should go. Life laughs and in one fatal (or one long drawn out) tug sends me splattering in the mud. 

It's crazy to me to think that over two years ago, I started this blog to teach me to live in the moment.

It's funny how God is still teaching me that very same lesson.

God keeps whispering the same thing to me, "Be still." Through songs, Scripture, conversations, almost daily I have received a message telling me to just be still.

This is not easy for me.

As soon as I wake up, my mind is flooded with things I must immediately do from 6 a.m. to 9 p.m. There are so many things that I am in charge of, that are solely my responsibility, "Just when am I supposed to 'be still'???"

It became less of a choice and more of a requirement. For years I have tried to control almost everything in my life. My therapist and I (yes, I go to one, yes I'm proud of it, and yes, I highly recommend it to ALL) have discovered I am a goal oriented person and in order for those goals to be met, I must be in control. Sometimes that goal is huge - graduate college, get a job, try to 'heal' my Daddy, provide a healthy pregnancy for my children, fill the hole in Momma's heart. Sometimes the goal is to just get through the day, what's for supper?, finish laundry (that's probably a huge goal). This whisper of God's to 'be still' became a necessity when none of my goals were being met. I couldn't control anything anymore. Cleaning with two kids and a dog, Daddy's gone, Momma's gone, laundry is a cruel joke, her house has STILL not sold. Eventually I had no other option, but to be still.

And in that stillness...that sweet stillness...bliss.
Somehow not being in control, releasing that fear, that need, accepting the stillness, the peace - the goals begin to change. For the first time in my life, I feel I am finally at peace sitting in the palm of God's great hand. I've known my whole life that He will cover me with His wings and that He has me engraved in the palm of my hand, yet I realize I've spent my life trying to earn my place there. I've tried to manipulate every situation, control every moment in the hopes that God would look down upon me and say, "Yes! You're doing it right. You have now earned my ____ (peace, acceptance, approval, validation, healing, a sold house)."

How silly.

The gift of Christ Himself is the stillness, grace. And I've still been trying to control circumstances to ensure I would receive such blessings. 

By accepting the stillness I have learned I am not in control. *cue the laughter of my parents in Heaven who have been trying to tell me that my whole 30 (almost 31!) years.

You are not in control.

All the manipulation, all the good deeds, all worried moments do nothing but steal this moment.

 I am not saying we do not have free will. We do! But part of that free will, is willing ourselves to LET GO. Do the best you can and leave the rest to someone who knows how to handle it better than you do.

For the first time in my life, I don't feel as if a fire breathing dragon of perfection, worry, approval is chasing me into a frenzy. I have come to a place of acceptance of peace. I have accepted the fact that I am not in control of it all. The sun rose this morning without my help. It will again tomorrow. The biggest worry I have in my life will eventually resolve. I do what I can until all I can do is let go.

For the first time in my life, I am able to wake up in the morning without immediate anxiety.

I have learned that peace does not mean perfection. Peace is such a precious gift. It is truly a gift that is unearned. And without it, living in the moment is impossible.

So, maybe there are others who think everything is resting on their shoulders. Give it over to the one who is holding you in His hand. You don't have to do it all and you don't have to do it alone.

Be still.

"I will fight your battles for you, if you only be still." Exodus 14:14


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