My Faith

Can I be real?

There have been many seasons of my faith. I have had periods of time when my faith was as second nature as breathing. Times when my faith itself almost became my god. There have been times when my faith lead way to such a kinship with our Creator a constant awareness of His presence, a constant need of His presence - this season strengthened me like nothing else. Then there are the seasons of doubt. Is He really there? If so, does He really care? These periods frighten me and cause me to waver. Because, how can I prove Him? How can I defend my faith to those who don't believe?

Here's my answer...I can't. I can't. I cannot convince someone to believe in something. I can only mark out my own path.

And here is what I know.

I know that for me to believe He is not there would be the same as me believing that when I open the kids' box of legos, I will find not an array of assorted plastic bricks, but a colorful working world, perfectly put together with such detail and precision all by chance. For me to not believe in a Creator would be the same as these legos just randomly ending up coming together in a perfect little world. I look around at this creation and it calls out to a Creator.

How can I know He cares? ...

For starters...

I also know He loves me with a love I cannot fully fathom. I believe He pursues us and wants that desire in return. There have been too many occasions lately where I cannot explain it any other way.

The most recurrent example is with the sale of my parents' house. I cannot describe how or why this situation has been a spiritual experience for me. I do believe the house represents my parents and their time during the last few years of life. I also know that this house is one of the few situations in my life in which I have very little control. As I waited for the new owners of this home, I prayed and begged for God to send a buyer. I mean I CRIED OUT for Him to remove this burden from my shoulders. His response time and time again? Be still. Be still. Time and time again with verses, prayers from others, songs, and just listening to His voice, I continued to hear "Be still." I heard it so much, I literally have it tattooed on my body.

The thing is I am not good at being still.

My brain, my hands, my heart, my's always occupied with the next to do list, the next project, the next goal, the next thing to control.

I am crying out to Him, feeling sorry for myself, begging, and He tells me to be still. Be still when every ounce of me is looking for the next item on the to-do list of getting a house sold??? Like He knows better??? ;)

Right when I was about to give up on the house....along came an amazing family to begin the process of ownership. With this family, I have not only received a lifted burden and some new amazing friends for our family, but I was also able to see my parents' home go from reminders of cancer, sickness, sadness and death, to a reminder of the light, love, and life that was there at the beginning. I have been able to see their enjoyment of this home and witness it in real time. I feel as if He is showing me that my parents are no longer haunted by the darkness of cancer, loneliness, death. They are also now released to the light, life, and love. What a gift. To be able to let my parents go with positive thoughts, reminders of time best spent. This is the reason behind the 'be still'. I wasted so much time and energy worrying over the new owners. I did not trust Him to send them to us. If I had simply gone with that one low ball offer, allowed a foreclosure, the burden would've been off my shoulders, yes, but the blessing would have been missed. I wasted all the days in between March 2013 and March 2014 waiting and worrying when instead I should have been still and trusted.

Tonight, it happened again...the worrying came back. One event set me off and bam! The tears, the wringing of the hands, the what ifs...

Rewind to Jarrod's sermon Sunday...sometimes your to-do list, structured reading and prayer time can become your god. This morning in all the hustle and bustle I was only able to read a portion of Isaiah 8. I desperately wanted to be obedient, wanted to spend time with Him and show Him I 'made enough time for Him'. Something reminded me of Jarrod's message. It's ok if you don't read the whole chapter. Spend quality time, not rushed time just to show you read an entire chapter.

Here's where this ties the middle of my mini panic attack tonight, I sat down at our kitchen table. My Bible was still open from this hurried morning to Isaiah 8. I felt the need to 'finish the chapter.' Here's what was waiting for me:

11 The LORD has said to me in the strongest terms: "Do not think like everyone else does. 12 Do not be afraid that some plan conceived behind closed doors will be the end of you. 13 Do not fear anything except the LORD Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear him, you need fear nothing else. 14 He will keep you safe. 17 I will wait for the LORD to help us, My only hope is in him. 18 I and the children the LORD has given me have names that reveal the plans the LORD Almighty has for his people. 19 So why are you trying to find out the future by consulting mediums and psychics? Do not listen to their whisperings and mutterings. Can the living find out the future from the dead? Why not ask your God? 

So with tears of gratitude and a reminder of His preence with me, I released the worry once again.

A few minutes later, I decided to check out the verse of the day on my phone...

Psalm 46:10 - Be still and know that I am God.   ...

Here's what I know - I know that in the midst of constant wavering faith, my God is still faithful to speak to me, to speak loving comforting reminders to me. I believe He does that with all of us. I believe the world tries desperately to distract us from Him, but we can hear His voice and find Him when we choose to be still.


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