Call it anxiety attack, hormones, end of the year stress, mother's day grief or spiritual warfare, whichever lovely combo platter was served I had a double serving of it over the past 48 hours. One little stumble led to another little stumble led to a ball and chain of lies attached to my foot drowning me out of reality and into suffocation. I was sinking deep and fast. I looked to family and friends to pull me out, for someone to just know, hear and feel the same fiery lying darts that were consistently being hurled my direction. "How do they not see what's happening here?" They couldn't know. This was my battle. I was in another reality and I could not find my way back to the surface.
As a 'feeler' this is not a good spot to find oneself. All the feels felt heavy and these lies felt very very real. I believed I was unwanted, unneeded, wretched, too needy and not good enough. This was my reality.
But the little whispers. The little whispers. In the midst of my fight He would give little whispers of reminders of who HE is and who HE says I AM. Hear me, these whispers did not FEEL like truth at the time. At the time they felt like I was making them up. But for a moment, these whispers held tiny bits of oxygen to keep me going throughout this internal war. The verses, the letters from students, the song lyrics. Through the darkness He reminded me that the enemy yells because he cannot get close enough. He whispers because He's right next to me.
But in the downward spiral, pulled only by the weight of anxiety and distorted reality of lies those whispers are hard to hear and sometimes harder to believe.
Friends, I write not for a pity party (I had a full on rave pity party. I'm partied out! :) ) , but I write for your encouragement. I know I am not alone here. I am not alone in these moments where you feel so. desperately. alone. "Look at them. They have it all together. Their life is just perfect." This is one of the most common arrows shot - "You are alone. You are a screw up. They have it all together and you...you are a mess."
I write to beg you to call back to those little whispers and claim them as truth even when you don't feel it. Declare who He is. Declare who HE says you are. Say it out loud. You are LOVED. He shattered darkness just to create you. He conquered death to bring you back to HIM. Not to punish you or because He felt obliged, but because HE DESIRES you. Yes, you with all the mess and all the tears and all the "irrationalized" anger. You are not alone. Guard yourself with His truths so that when the lies come (and they WILL come) you can reach past the feelings and hold fast to His truth.
"He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song." Zephaniah 3:17
"God is light and there is no darkness in him at all." - I John 1:5